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Posts published in “Poems”

The Bagpipe Who Didn’t Say No

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It was nine o’clock at midnight at a quarter after three When a turtle met a bagpipe on the shoreside by the sea, And the turtle said, “My dearie, May…

Testing The Bomb

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Oh they’re testing the bomb as I’m singing this song They say not to worry cause nothing can go wrong They’re testing the bomb as I’m singing this song They…

Tell Me

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Tell me I’m clever, Tell me I’m kind, Tell me I’m talented, Tell me I’m cute, Tell me I’m sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I’m perfect- But tell me…

Sylvia’s Mother

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Sylvia’s mother says Sylvia’s busy, too busy to come to the phone . Sylvia’s mother says Sylvia’s trying to start a new life of her own. Sylvia’s mother says “Sylvia’s…

Sure Hit Songwriter’s Pen

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Now I was hangin’ round Nashville writin’ songs and playin’ ’em for all of the stars Watchin’ ’em laugh and hand ’em back livin’ on hope and Hershey bars So…

Stupid Pencil Maker

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Some dummy built this pencil wrong, The eraser’s down here where the point belongs, And the point’s at the top – so it’s no good to me, It’s amazing how…

Strange Restaurant

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I said, “I’ll take the T-bone steak.” A soft voice mooed, “Oh wow.” And I looked up and realized The waitress was a cow. I cried, “Mistake–forget the the steak.…

Stop Thief!

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Policeman, policeman, Help me please. Someone went and stole my knees. I’d chase him down but I suspect My feet and legs just won’t connect.

Stacy Brown Got Two

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Did you hear bout Stacy brown (no we didn’t but we’d like to) He had every chick in town (no he didn’t but he tried to) He had looks he…

Son Of A Scoundrel

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Big Barney Fitch, he got soddenly rich He got a big fancy house in Melbourne With buckets of loot and big black leather boots Acting so haughty and well-born But…

Something Missing

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I remember I put on my socks, I remember I put on my shoes. I remember I put on my tie That was painted In beautiful purples and blues. I…

Someone Ate The Baby

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Someone ate the baby it’s rather sad to say Someone ate the baby so she won’t be out to play We’ll never hear her whiney cry or have to feel…

Someday’s Here

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Well I’ve told you someday I’d have a lotta money And you would see me grinnin’ from ear to ear Look in my pocket this ain’t gabbage that I’m foldin’…

Somebody Stole My Rig

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I’m haulin’ twenty tons of freight into New York state Started thinkin’ bout Mary Jane She lived over the hill I had an hour to kill I thought I’d get…

Somebody Has To

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Somebody has to go polish the stars, They’re looking a little bit dull. Somebody has to go polish the stars, For the eagles and starlings and gulls Have all been…

Snowball

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I made myself a snowball As perfect as could be. I thought I’d keep it as a pet And let it sleep with me. I made it some pajamas And…

Smoke Off

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In the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake you probly knew her well Shed been stoned fifteen of her eighteen years and…

Smart

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My dad gave me one dollar bill ‘Cause I’m his smartest son, And I swapped it for two shiny quarters ‘Cause two is more then one! And then I took…

Sky Seasoning

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A piece of sky Broke off and fell Through the crack in the ceiling Right into my soup, KERPLOP! I really must state That I usually hate Lentil soup, but…

Skin Stealer

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This evening I unzipped my skin And carefully unscrewed my head, Exactly as I always do When I prepare myself for bed. And while I slept a coo-coo came As…

Sing Me A Rainbow

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Josie it´s been a long hard day Down the road to where it´s at I must have lost my way When I got there they said I was too late…

Show It At The Beach

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Oh they won’t let us show it at the beach no they won’t let us show it at the beach They think we’re gonna grab it if it gets within…

She’s My Ever Lovin’ Machine

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Hey boys you know once I was took in by a girl with a twinkly eye And the first time that I wasn’t lookin’ she run off with a handsomer…

Shadow Race

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Every time I’ve raced my shadow When the sun was at my back, It always ran ahead of me, Always got the best of me. But every time I’ve raced…

Scum Of The Earth

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There was a group called called Scum of the Earth And they say they got their birth In a basement bar on Greek Street down in Soho The bass man…

Rosalie’s Good Eats Cafe

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It’s two in the mornin’ on Saturday night At Rosalie’s Good Eats Café. The onions are fryin’, the neon is bright And the jukebox is startin’ to play. And the…

Rock ‘N’ Roll Band

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If we were a rock ‘n’ roll band, We’d travel all over the land. We’d play and we’d sing and wear spangly things. If we were a rock ‘n’ roll…

Ring Of Grass

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Rings of grass crowns of flowers they’re gone gone gone gone Furs that I woven of whispering hours gone gone gone gone She’s gone away where the rings are real…

Reflection

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Each time I see the Upside-Down Man Standing in the water, I look at him and start to laugh, Although I shouldn’t oughtter. For maybe in another world Another time…

Recipe For A Hippopotamus Sandwich

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A hippo sandwich is easy to make. All you do is simply take One slice of bread, One slice of cake, Some mayonnaise One onion ring, One hippopotamus One piece…

Rain

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I opened my eyes And looked up at the rain, And it dripped in my head And flowed into my brain, And all that I hear as I lie in…

Quaaludes Again

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She fumbles and stumbles And falls down the stairs, Makes love to the leg of the dining room chair. She’s ready for animals, women or men. She’s doing Quaaludes again.

Put Something In

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Draw a crazy picture, Write a nutty poem, Sing a mumble-grumble song, Whistle through your comb. Do a loony-goony dance ‘Cross the kitchen floor, Put something silly in the world…

Pour Me Another Tequila Sheila

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(Chorus) Pour me another tequila, Sheila. Take off that red satin dress. ‘Cause I crossed the border, And I beat the dealer for all of that gold in Juarez. I…

Polly In A Porny

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Haha I kissed Polly goodnight haha as we stood at her front door Now she’s quite a proper lady so I didn’t ask for anything more But haha I was…

Point Of View

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Thanksgiving dinner’s sad and thankless Christmas dinner’s dark and blue When you stop and try to see it From the turkey’s point of view. Sunday dinner isn’t sunny Easter feasts…

Plastic

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Oh a little bitty termite you know he come knockin’ knockin’ on my front door Well he walked right in sat right down started chewin’ on the kitchen floor You…

Picture Puzzle Piece

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One picture puzzle piece Lyin’ on the sidewalk, One picture puzzle piece Soakin’ in the rain. It might be a button of blue On the coat of the woman Who…

Peanut-Butter Sandwich

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I’ll sing you a poem of a silly young king Who played with the world at the end of a string, But he only loved one single thing- And that…

Peace Proposal

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Said General Clay to General Gore really must we fight this silly war To kill and die in such a bore I quite agree said General Gore Said General Gore…

Pathetic Way Of Getting Over Me

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Oh if you read in the papers that she’s been seen A gettin’ in an out of some millionare’s long custom made limousine She may fool you with her smile…

Paranoid

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Everybody says I’m paranoid they all think I’m crazy They all smile to my face but they’d like to see me die They put poison in my coffee they put…

One Inch Tall

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If you were only one inch tall, you’d ride a worm to school. The teardrop of a crying ant would be your swimming pool. A crumb of cake would be…

On The Way To The Bottom

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On the way to the bottom I met an ole friend of mine He said “Buddy, I do believe this is the end of the line” I said “The end…

No Thank You

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No I do not want a kitten, No cute, cuddly kitty-poo, No more long hair in my cornflakes, No more midnight meowing mews, No more scratchin’, snarlin’, spitters No more…

No Difference

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Small as a peanut, Big as a giant, We’re all the same size When we turn off the light Rich as a sultan, Poor as a mite, We’re all worth…

Never Bite A Married Woman On The Thigh

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Never bite a married woman on the thigh oh my Cause she just can’t rub it off no matter how she’ll try And when she gets home at night her…

My Rules

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If you want to marry me, here’s what you’ll have to do: You must learn how to make a perfect chicken-dumpling stew. And you must sew my holey socks, And…

My Mind Keeps Movin’

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Walk into a restaurant with chicken on my mind Look at the menu I want roastbeaf and wine A waitress comes up I order baked beans and bread Oh when…