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Sick

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“I cannot go to school today,” Said little Peggy Ann McKay. “I have the measles and the mumps, A gash, a rash and purple bumps. My mouth is wet, my…

Nobody

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“Nobody loves me, nobody cares, Nobody picks me peaches and pears. Nobody offers me candy and Cokes, Nobody listens and laughs at my jokes. Nobody helps when I get into…

Zebra Question

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I asked the zebra Are you black with white stripes? Or white with black stripes? And the zebra asked me, Or you good with bad habits? Or are you bad…

Yowzah

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Well it wasn’t too very long ago you know some folks walked with a hi-dee-ho And other folks walked around kind of low Sayin’ Yowzah and Sho nuff and Yassuh…

Your Time’s Comin’

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I knew that she belonged to someone else at the time, But lonesome-lookin’ women are a weakness of mine; And so I bought that stuff about the love he never…

Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda

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All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas Layin’ in the sun, Talkin’ ’bout the things They woulda coulda shoulda done… But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas All ran away and hid From one little Did.

Workin’ It Out

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Well I’ve been spendin’ my life lookin’ for a shoulder To rest my head when the nights get colder But the days are gettin’ longer and I’m gettin’ older Been…

Who’s Taller?

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Depends on if the judge is fair, Depends how high the heels you wear, Depends on if they count the hair, Depends if they allow the chair.

Who does she think she is….

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I asked the Zebra: Are you black with white stripes? Or white with black stripes? And the zebra asked me: Are you good with bad habits? Or are you bad…

When She Cries

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No one knows my lady when she’s lonely No one sees the fantasies and fears my lady hides There are those who’ve shared her love and laughter But no one…

Whatif

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Last night, while I lay thinking here, some Whatifs crawled inside my ear and pranced and partied all night long and sang their same old Whatif song: Whatif I’m dumb…

Weird-Bird

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Birds are flyin’ south for winter. Here’s the Weird-Bird headin’ north, Wings a-flappin’, beak a-chatterin’, Cold head bobbin’ back ‘n’ forth. He says, “It’s not that I like ice Or…

Wavy

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I thought that I had wavy hair Until I shaved. Instead, I find that I have straight hair And a very wavy head.

Warning

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Inside everybody’s nose There lives a shar-toothed snail. So if youi stick your finger in, He may bite off your nail. Stick it farther up inside, And he may bite…

Vegetables

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Eat a tomato and you’ll turn red (I don’t think that’s really so); Eat a carrot and you’ll turn orange (Still and all, you never know); Eat some spinach and…

Vegematic

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Fell asleep last night with the TV on, Oh, what a dream I had. Dreamed I went and answered ev’ry single One of those late night mail order ads. Then…

Ugliest Man In Town

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Handsome guys get girls that are pretty Other guys make it cause they’re clever and witty But the only love I ever got I got out of pity cause I’m…

Twistable Turnable Man

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He’s the Twistable Turnable Squeezable Pullable Stretchable Foldable Man. He can crawl in your pocket or fit your locket Or screw himself into a twenty-volt socket, Or stretch himself up…

Turkey?

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Only ate one drumstick At the picnic dance this summer, Just one little drumstick– They say I couldn’t be dumber. One tough and skinny drumstick, Why was that such a…

Tryin’ On Clothes

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I tried on the farmer’s hat, Didn’t fit… A little too small – just a bit Too floppy. Couldn’t get used to it, Took it off. I tried on the…

Toplesstown

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It all started out at Rosalie’s Good Eats Cafe Everybody sittin’, eatin’ eggs and grits, chattin’ in the usual way Lucy pourin’ the coffee and dishin’ out the eats Wearin’…

Time

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Ain’t the snow fallin’ just a bit deeper these days Aren’t they building the stairs a bit steeper these days And the town’s really changin’ in so many ways time…

Ticklish Tom

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Did you hear ’bout Ticklish Tom? He got tickled by his mom. Wiggled and giggled and fell on the floor, Laughed and rolled right out the door. All the way…

Thumbsucker

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I met her on a corner in Duluth (That’s the truth.) She was tryin’ to fix her shoe in a telephone booth (Her name was Ruth.) She said she was…

Thumbs

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Oh, the thumb-sucker’s thumb May look wrinkled and wet And withered, and white as the snow, But the taste of a thumb Is the sweetest taste yet (As only we…

Three-Legged Man

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Well now friends you’ll never guess it so I really must confess it I just met the sweetest woman of my long dismal life. But a friend of mine said,…

They’ve Put A Brassiere On A Camel

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They’ve put a brassiere on a camel, She wasn’t dressed proper, you know. They’ve put a brassiere on a camel, So that her humps wouldn’t show. And they’re making other…

They Held Me Down

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It was Sat night at the slammer the gavel was falling like a hammer As they dragged in every freak from off the road One by one they entered the…

The Worlds Greatest Smoke Off

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In the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake, You probably knew her well She was stoned 15 of her 18 years And…

The Winner

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The hulk of a man with a beer in his hand looked like a drunk old fool, And I knew that if I hit him right, I could knock him…

The Voice

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There is a voice inside of you that whispers all day long, “I feel that this is right for me, I know that this is wrong.” No teacher, preacher, parent,…

The Unicorn

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A long time ago, when the earth was green and there was more kinds of animals than you’ve ever seen, and they run around free while the world was bein’…

The Toucan

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Tell me who can Catch a toucan? Lou can. Just how few can Ride the toucan? Two can. What kind of goo can Stick you to the toucan? Glue can.…

The Sitter

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Mrs. McTwitter was the baby-sitter I think she’s a little bit crazy. She thinks a baby-sitter’s supposed To sit upon the baby.

The Perfect Wave

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Dave McGunn was a surfin’ bum, half-crazed by the blazin’ sun. From Waikiki to the Bering Sea, he rode ’em one by one. Now he hung offshore ’bout a mile…

The Perfect High

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There once was a boy named Gimmesome Roy. He was nothing like me or you. ‘Cause laying back and getting high was all he cared to do. As a kid,…

The Oak and the Rose

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An oak tree and a rosebush grew, Young and green together, Talking the talk of growing things- Wind and water and weather. And while the rosebush sweetly bloomed The oak…

The Nap Taker

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No – I did not take a nap – The nap – took – me off the bed and out the window far beyond the sea, to a land where…

The Monkey

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1 little monkey was goin’ 2 the store when he saw a banana 3 he’d never climbed be4. By 5 o’clock that evenin’ he was 6 with a stomach ache…

The Meehoo with an Exactlywatt

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Knock knock! Who’s there? Me! Me who? That’s right! What’s right? Meehoo! That’s what I want to know! What’s what you want to know? Me, WHO? Yes, exactly! Exactly what?…

The Little Boy And The Old Man

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Said the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.” Said the old man, “I do that too.” The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.” “I do that too,” laughed…

The Land Of Happy

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Have you been to the land of happy, Where everyone’s happy all day, Where they joke and they sing Of the happiest things, And everything’s jolly and gay? There’s no…

The Hunter

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I have fought against the poodle with his gory, deadly paws; I have faced the fearsome kitten, wild and bony, And somehow I’ve evaded the enormous chomping jaws Of the…

The Great Conch Train Robbery

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‘Twas sunset down in old Key West The locals all were high. The tourists snapped their photographs And munched their Key Lime pie. And meanwhile down at Sloppy Joe’s The…

The Giving Tree

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Once there was a tree…. and she loved a little boy. And everyday the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play…

The Generals

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Said General Clay to General Gore, “Oh must we fight this silly war? To kill and die is such a bore.” “I quite agree,” said General Gore. Said General Gore…

The Bridge

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This bridge will only take you halfway there To those mysterious lands you long to see: Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fairs And moonlit woods where unicorns run free.…

The Boa Constrictor Song

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I’m being swallered by a Boa Constrictor a Boa Constrictor, a Boa Constrictor I’m being swallered by a Boa Constrictor and I don’t – like snakes – one bit! Oh…

The Bear, The Fire, And The Snow

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“I live in fear of the snow,” said the bear. “Whenever it’s here, be sure I’ll be there. Oh, the pain and the cold, when one’s bearish and old. I…

The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan

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The morning sun touched lightly on The eyes of Lucy Jordan In her white suburban bedroom In a white suburban town, As she lay there ‘neath the covers, Dreaming of…